Match report: JCR committee vs. college staff

On Friday 29th April the inaugural JCR committee vs. college staff football match took place, as part of the JCR’s Staff Appreciation Day. Find the official match reports below:

Staff report

It all started as an innocent challenge – JCR v Lodge.  Little did we realise that it would go down in the annuls of the College as a great bit of run. This report will obviously have a bias towards Staff and therefore we look forward to the riposte from the JCR Committee!

I did not realise just how many of the staff would be interested in playing a game of football so thought it wise to start with a five-a-side team.  The response was magnificent with over 15 staff members pledging their allegiance and so it began.

The initial date for the match was Thursday 5th May but once the JCR Committee got wind of our proposed training sessions they promptly brought the fixture date forward – a canny move or so they thought!

The Friday of the match coincided with PayDay Drinks.  Thankfully the copious amounts of alcohol consumed aided the lubrication of many unused joints – advantage Staff.

The match itself was a close run affair due to the tactical nous of the Staff.  After the score reached 0-3 our five-a-side formation of 0-2-2-3 restored the equilibrium.  At one stage the score was 5-5, however the JCR reasserted its stranglehold on the game (their formation also became suspect) and finished 10-8 winners – or did they?

As our pitch session was finishing, and the next session’s players were edging onto the pitch, one bright spark shouted “next goal the winner”.  Time for the masterplan to come to fruition and the staff duly scored the last goal.  Cue ecstatic celebrations and a dash to the King’s Arms for post-match drinks concluding a most enjoyable few hours that put a smile on the face of staff and students alike – the banter continues.

The JCR Committee want to play again so until the next time I will sign off with a few thanks.  Thanks to the Staff Team (with added nick names for authenticity):

  • Simon (the Cat) Smith some great saves
  • Mark (Stuntman) Hancock – roving goalie and horizontal full back
  • Becky (Bites your legs) Martin
  • Savannah (Sav) Zvipindu
  • Tania (Lofty) Dandy-Minto
  • Chris (Sniffer) Cox – scored one goal
  • Matt (Tucks) Tucker – scored two goals
  • Gabor (Puskas) Szilagyi – scored one goal and pulled off one outrageous Cruyff turn – 3 JCR defenders had to climb back onto the pitch after that move!
  • Ola (The Magician) Akimtola – scored five goals
  • Jamie (Wey Aye) Simms

And thanks to the supporters: Karen (Kassa) Tarrant, Michele (Deeps) Turner, Owen (Stato) McKnight, Mark (Camps) Campion, Sarah (Seggie) Howle, Joan (Mac) McCoy and Pietro (Chiellini) Prodili who selected himself for the final ten minutes of the game much to the amusement of John (Gaffer) Woods.

And finally thanks to David, Omar and the rest of the JCR Committee for sharing a different side of the College. We look forward to the next time.

 John Woods (The Gaffer)

Committee report

Firstly it is important to note that there is no bias in this report, whatever Staff might claim.

After much rearranging of the fixture, due mainly to efforts on behalf of the Committee to scrape together a team, we finally nailed down the evening. It was meant to be the culmination of a wonderful Staff Appreciation Day, where the plethora of lovely people who work at Jesus had been plied repeatedly with cake. After this joyous treatment, you’d have thought they’d be friendly and fair engaging in a nice bit of footieball.

You’d. Be. Wrong.

Walking over to the pitches on Mansfield Road, we were expecting a handful of staff ready to enjoy some light-hearted exercise. When we arrived we were stunned by what we saw. More staff than Portsmouth FC have honest fans, all eager to try and steal the hallowed pride of our legendary Committee. I must be honest, we were a little intimidated. Especially as the staff appeared to have upwards of a dozen players, whilst we were limited to 6. 6 brave souls who thought we’d enter into the theatre of flames, in an attempt to try and retain some dignity for the undergrads of Jesus College. But we left with much more than that. Against all odds, we left with a glorious, undebatable victory, and slightly less teeth than when we’d started.

The game started well for the JCR, with them claiming an early lead thanks to a wonderful turn and shot from the startlingly handsome ACC Rep. And two more goals I don’t remember. 3-0 to Committee. However at this point, the tricks started from John ‘Mourinho’ Woods. As some of you dear readers may know, Ola has recently become Junior Dean in Catherine’s absence. However what some of you may not know is that this occurred soon before the staff needed a team for a certain football fixture. And Ola is reputably a former Uni level baller. To paraphrase our honourable leader President Cakebread, “Now we’re fudged”.

As soon as Ola came on things changed. The JCR was no longer on the front foot, but instead pegged back against a ruthless Staff attacking formation. With the trickery of one Gabor Szilagyi (including a wonderful nutmeg that left Omar Mohsen picking himself up off the turf), and the calm passing brilliance from John Woods that once earnt him a trial at Chelsea (genuine truth), the JCR were on the ropes.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. The goals started to flood in against us. Only an absolute thunderbolt from the right boot of Llewelyn ‘where the heck were you during the 2nds Cuppers campaign’ Hopwood, and some more goals I don’t remember could keep the JCR in touch. The Committee were especially hampered by their star striker’s suffering at the hands of the aptly named Becky ‘bite your legs’ Martin. There are still bruises to prove it.

At this point the JCR looked down and out. But a glorious rallying cry from the lips of Rosie Morgan, and the sound of our two fans falling over laughing at Cakebread’s ‘skill’ spurred us back into it. All of a sudden we were in the lead. I forget the details and probably need to get back to work rather than making up some more goals. The crucial thing is WE HAD WON! In spite of only having 6 players. In spite of some liberal interpretation of the phrase ‘5-a-side’. In spite of that God awful Manchester City shirt Charlie Davies insisted on wearing. We had done it.

At this point both the Committee and the Staff retired to the pub to lick their wounds and begin preparations for the next epic duel. Hopefully we can have more JCR fans that time, as whilst ours did their best, they were rather outgunned by the seeming thousands of staff who had turned up for the event.

A final note, David Cakebread informs me he scored 4 goals in this game, including one ‘worldie’ which apparently Saloni failed to see. Let’s just say that’s not how I remember it.

Thanks to all the Staff, JCR Committee and most importantly wonderful fans who turned out to see us play, we too look forward to next time.

Love, an unbiased member of Committee.