“You don’t get from me good and funny headlines”

It was the opening game of what will prove to be a decisive JCFC 2nds season, under the mighty leadership of David “Please can we leave out any of my exploits from freshers week from the match report because apparently there may be some sort of JCR election in the near future” Cakebread.

Jesus entered the game with high hopes of beating a St. Hugh’s side whose only threatening player seemed to be their “man-bun” striker. The boys in green had already suffered a setback when it was decided that Matt “I hate playing in goal why do I have to keep playing there” Roche was picked to start in goal. However a strong fresher showing leading to debuts for Joe “Reckons he’s a better than average player for Liverpool” Small, Jonny “Only here because he thought it was a first game” Betteridge and Ed “I cannot remember your surname so I’m going to make it up” Harris. Alongside this new blood were JCFC veterans such as Rob “I love taking goal kicks” Fordham, Jon “Honestly I always have complete control over my rage” Hubbert and everyone’s favourite George “Please stop calling me ineffectual I’m not actually that bad at football” Parker.

The game started well for Jesus as a succession of long balls led to David “Please can we not just play long ball” Cakebread having several chances which he sadly failed to convert. However disaster struck when Hugh’s thought they’d have a go at this long ball lark, and Rob “He’s a 4th year why is he not playing for the MCR” Fordham misjudged the bounce, allowing the Human Manbun who was playing up front for Hugh’s to chip the poor stranded Matt “Seriously I’m only 5’8” on a good day why have I been put in goal” Roche in the Jesus net.

The lads in green responded well though, as a fantastic ball from Jon “This pass led to him comparing himself to Mesut Ozil” Hubbert allowed Jonny “By now fed up with the standard of the players he was forced to play with” Betteridge to cross for David “Some of the freshers thought his surname was a joke” Cakebread to power a header in.
The celebrations of JCFC’s first goal of the season did not last long however as Michał “Like I’m capable of spelling your last name”

was robbed of possession in midfield, and a seemingly tame Hugh’s shot was inexplicitly allowed to squirm under the somewhat useless dive of Matt “I told you I was no good in goal” Roche.
Jesus went into half time at 2-1 down, which left to a raft of changes being made. Alex “Oh my God he just nearly cut that guy in half with his tackle” McCallion, Theo “The silent destroyer” Jones and David “I’m not sure in which order I’m meant to put your names” Yedam Cho all entered the fray. Crucially there was also a change at goalkeeper as Connor “I played goalkeeper once in Year 7” Sewell replaced Matt “Oh good now I get to be linesman I’m so lucky yippee for me” Roche.

Connor “Wait a minute he’s actually quite good in goal why did he not start there” Sewell had a fantastic second half between the sticks, but was unable to stop Hugh’s slicing through the Jesus defence like a Unnamed-because-there’s-an-election-coming-up-Freshers-Shark, allowing a simple tap in for a Hugh’s player who I cannot be bother to come up with a name for.

Despite the best efforts of Hugo “He’s far too disciplined a CDM to be playing for this team” Manson and a classic leg breaking tackle from Alex “How did the ref not send him off for this was he blind or just stupid” McCallion, Jesus could not stop the Hugh’s onslaught, and they scored again after a clever free kick led to a stunning overhead kick that left many in the Jesus team wondering if this was truly St Hugh’s’ third team. Possibly before or after that goal I got confused a single Hugh’s player managed to jig his way through the entire Jesus midfield and curl an unstoppable shot into the corner of Connor “Only just taller than Matt” Sewell’s goal.
There were some brave attempts to stage a comeback from Jesus, most notably a wonderful dribble from Rob “Please make sure you mention my dribble in the match report it was the best thing I’ve ever done on a football field” Fordham, as well as some fantastic all round play from Michał “Should be playing in the 1sts but Cakebread is such a smooth talker he managed to get him to turn out for the 2nds, plus I’ve now managed to copy your surname from Facebook so here it comes” Dąbrówka, but unfortunately it was not to be.

Final Score: St Hugh’s 5- Jesus 1

Man of the Match: Cam “I haven’t mentioned him thus far and wanted to try and get everyone into the report, plus he played quite well despite getting substituted twice” Lester.